*Originally posted on a different site on July 4, 2011
Let me preface this post by stating that I am completely delirial. This is a term that my sister coined, meaning that you ate so much that you probably shouldn’t be held accountable for your actions or words. Basically, it’s being drunk from eating too much. If this post doesn’t make sense, that is why.
For the past few years, my 4th of July holiday has been spent with my dad’s side of the family, grilling, eating, drinking, and fireworking. This year marks my first vegan Fourth of July, and I was not about to let that stop me from the all-American grilling fun. I decided to entertain myself by holding my first ever fake meat competition. The fun was planned for just me, because I’m pretty sure everyone on my dad’s side of the family thinks I’m crazy for cutting out meat and any other animal-based products from my diet. I headed to my local Earth Origins Market, determined to find two different types of fake meat that would be competing against each other. I was in luck - 2 brands were on sale. I grabbed some Tofurky Beer Brats for $3.99 and some Yves “The Good Dog” fake hot dogs for $3.99 (which I just looked up online and read that “With added dairy, the Good Dog now tastes more like a real meat hot dog!” Great. Let’s just pretend we didn’t know that and continue on, since 2 Good Dogs are currently digesting inside my body). I tossed in some organic hot dog buns, vegan potato salad from the deli, a 3 liter jug of sangria, and 2 vegan chocolate chip cookies from the bakery, and I was ready to roll out to my Uncle Curt and Lisa’s 4th of July Barbeque.
When I arrived, I immediately prepared myself a refreshing glass of sangria with fruit and started to prep my “meat.” (Have you every noticed that people call fake cheese “cheez” and fake tuna “toona” and ridiculous stuff like that? Let’s call our fake hot dogs “hawt dawgz,” fake brats “brawtz,” and fake meat “meeeeet” for the remainder of this post.) I became extra excited when my sister, Kristen, arrived, because I knew she was the only one who would play my Fake Meeeeeet-Off game with me. I made her some sangria too, and then I sent my Uncle Curt off to cook up some hawt dawgz and brawtz.
My Uncle Curt sensed something was amiss when my hawt dawgz started to grow some nasty bumps on them. I still don’t know what was up with that, I guess something with the cazing on the dawgz. I figured that meant that they were ready! I put my dawgz on some organic bunz (JK, they were real buns) and topped them with my favorite simple toppings - ketchup and mustard. I topped the brawtz with deli mustard and onions.
Have I mentioned yet that I actually hate meeeeet? I think it’s gross. The texture is always wrong, the color is off, and the spices and/or flavoring is overcompensating for the fact that this is not actually meat. Ew. With my hate of meeeeet in the back of my mind, I tasted my hawt dawg for the first time. Primarily, I wasn’t sure what to think. The texture seemed surprisingly OK, and there was only a slight taste of “health food store.” I took another bite. Not bad! Not bad at all! My sister sampled and agreed. So far, Yves Good Dogs are the best fake meeeeeet I’ve tried (now I know why - dairy - fakers!). The brawt came next. I was a little nervous, since the brawt was bigger, fatter, and grayer than the dawgz. I took a bite, and all I tasted was confusion. Is this good? Is this gross? Is this anything? I took another bite. I offered it to my sister. She seemed confused, too. Overall, I think it was pretty good. The texture was OK, the flavor wasn’t overboard, and it only tasted a little “health food store” (more so than the dawgz, though). Kristen mentioned that the brawt tasted a lot more “tofu” than the dawg, and I have to agree. To me, that is a bad thing, since I hate tofu.
My final decision in this competition is that it’s back to the drawing board. The Yves Good Dogs cheated because they contained dairy and I didn’t know it. That makes the Tofurky Beer Brats win by default, but I don’t want them to win, so I call a do-over. Next time a grill is fired up, it’s going to be a VEGAN hot dawg vs. a VEGAN hot dawg.
*You may be wondering, Lindsay, why didn’t you know there was dairy in the Good Dogs? Are you an idiot? The answer is no, I am merely lazy. Recently, I’ve been looking past the ingredient lists and down to the “CONTAINS: DAIRY, EGGS, MILK INGREDIENTS, SOY, WHEAT,” etc. part of the package. I guess this doesn’t work, because the Good Dogs package said “Contains: Soy and Wheat.” I guess I have to get less lazy.